lean not on your own understanding

As I sit here tonight my heart is heavy. heavy and breaking for those who are mourning and suffering as I type these words. Though we know that God is good, and though we know that His will is perfect, and though we know that He is loving, it doesn't change the fact that life is hard and many times we have no clue, no understanding whatsoever, as to why the Lord chooses to work in the ways He does. Just in the last few days I have heard of 2 more people being diagnosed with cancer, 1 high school junior dying of brain cancer,  and a mother of two dying unexpectedly. I turn on the TV and I see war, people dying, people losing their lives day after day. I change the channel and pictures pop up on the screen of starving children who don't even have clean water to drink much less a bed to sleep in. My heart yearns to understand why the Lord works in the way He does. I know I may never have full understanding as to why mothers, fathers, and babies die from awful, painful diseases.or why some children are beaten, abused, and neglected. or why we must fight a seemingly never ending fight with fathers, mothers, and children dying every day to protect our country. Though I know I am not called to understand all these things they are heavy on my heart tonight. I may not know many things but I do know a few things for certain...

God is God and God is good no matter what happens.

God causes all things to work for His good and our joy.

God is loving and sovereign even when we can't see it at the time.

God has not called us to an easy life, but has promised us we will never walk alone.


Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight. "


I pray tonight that though we may luck understanding, we never lack trust in our Lord and Savior, our Father, our Healer, our Comforter, and our Redeemer. He is good and gracious and only His love will set us free from the pain of this world.

In Him.

God is Good

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Around this time a year ago my dad was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and given between a 10 and 20% of survival. The doctors in Panama City didn't have much hope for our family and sent us immediately to the Kirklin Clinic at UAB in Birmingham. After a week of doctors visits, tears, and prayers my dad was officially diagnosed with squamos cell carcinoma in his tongue, throat, and neck. He had two tumors in his neck that were too large to remove with surgery. Many of his lymphnodes were cancerous and a team of 3 doctors decided that he would need radiation, chemotherapy and surgery if he had any chance at surviving. They were hopeful but stressed to our family how serious my dad's disease was. His treatments would take place in Birmingham and my family would have to find somewhere to live and make a new normal in Birmingham for at least the next 6 months. Prayers were answered and a family friend let our family have an apartment in Birmingham the entire time my dad was being treated.Family and friends rallied around us and loved us like we had never known before. God was 100% present and in control in my dad's diagnosis and the forthcoming days. After long days of treatments, my dad was no longer able to eat on his own. He had a feeding tube inserted into his stomach and a chemotheraphy port inserted into his chest. When he could eat, he was on a liquid diet  and barely kept anything down. My dad lost 60 pounds,  a lot of his hair,  all of his taste buds , all of his saliva glands, all of the lymphnodes in one side of his neck, and has and will suffer for the rest of his life with many other side effects from the treatments and this disease. 

I say all of this to say one thing, God is good and God is God no matter what happened or happens to my dad. Though my dad lost all of those things here in his earthly body my family and my father gained so much through my dad's diagnosis and then battle with cancer. We gained love and support and friends we had never known before. We learned that love is not only love when it is easy, love is love when it is hard. We learned that it is okay to have Christmas in a tiny apartment in Birmingham with just the 4 of us and a sick daddy. Broken relationships were healed. Lives were changed. God is so good and loved my family through the most difficult time during our lives and turned what seemed to be the most awful news we ever received into a blessing and true example of HIS grace, unconditional love, mercy and redemption.

So many times throughout the past year, when my dad would get a good report, or he would have a good day, friends would encourage our family by saying God is so good, He is so in control, etc, which is so true! God is so good and so in control and for that my family is so grateful! But what I feel like we all often times forget is that yes God is good when my dad is well, but God is also incredibly good and has an incredible plan even on my dad's rough days. Even on the day he was diagnosed when we didn't have a clue if he would make it God was still so good and so in control. Even if my dad lost or loses his battle to cancer the Father will still be good.

Over the last year the Lord has been so good to my family. He was so good the day my dad was laying on a hospital bed for hours being pumped with IV's after radiation and chemo in the same day. God's plan for our lives are so much bigger than what we see. His plan for His creation is so much more incredible than we personally can fathom. I am beyond grateful for the past year of my life. I am grateful that the Lord has revealed Himself to me and truly shown me how good HE is and how HIS will prevails over all. 

I was recently reading A Sweet and Bitter Providence, by John Piper. Throughout the book several different quotes really spoke to my heart including this one by William Cowper:

"Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for his grace, behind a frowning providence, HE hides a smiling face."

It is so easy to be discouraged and angry when it seems that life has dealt us a hard hand. Throughout the last year there have been many instances where it was just much easier to be sad and discouraged than continue to seek and pursue the God who was allowing my father to suffer and potentially die from this disease. But when I did have those feelings the Lord saved me from them and immediately would remind me of his faithfulness and goodness.

In the last line of his book, John Piper writes, " God is at work in the darkest times - for our good and Christ's glory. He will see to it that the glory of his Son fills the earth and that in Him we find everlasting joy."

I am so grateful that this life is not about me and my wants or desires. God is at work in ALL things using all things to work for the GOOD of those who love HIM ( Romans 8:28). 

God is good and God is God no matter what happens in our lives. Right now my daddy is cancer free. After radiation, chemotherapy and surgery they removed the masses and all current scans show no cancer! Our family is so humbled and grateful that my Father now has a testimony to share with others about the Lord's power and goodness and incredible love. When I asked my dad recently to share with me his thoughts on his cancer he said this ," KJ, getting cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to me. The Lord knew I wasn't living for Him or living into His plan for my life and through cancer he redirected me. I am grateful to Him for that."

I encourage you to remember, no matter what happens, nothing, nothing, nothing can separate you from the love of the Father or change the fact that HE will truly work all things for His good and our joy. Praise the Lord!

In Him

if YOU want me to.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home 
But You never said it would be easy You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to 

my heart has been broken time and time again over the past two years. my heart breaks every single time i think of a child never knowing the Father's love for them. never knowing love at all in some cases.  my heart is broken when i think of how blessed i have been and continue to be, when there are precious children of God growing up in neighborhoods where drugs and gangs are more prevalent than the childhood they should be experiencing. the Lord put common ground montgomery in my life and my heart was shattered. the Lord is using the inner city and urban ministries to show me that i am not called to be comfortable. i am not called to be so blessed and do nothing about it when 1 in every 4 children in the neighborhood i am working in will be dead by the time they are 20.i have not been called to be prideful and content with the life i have been given.  i have been called by the Father to use this desire He has given me to bring glory to HIS name and be servant of HIS. and most of all i am called to LOVE. to love God and love people, ALL people.

but yet i find myself questioning, "Father, why in the world me?" why would i ever choose to go to gang, drug, and crime infested neighborhoods, putting my safety and well being at risk. then the Lord lovingly reminds me that this life is NOT mine. i am not my own. i am HIS to be used as a vessel for Him and to show others the love that He gave and sacrificed on the cross for every single one of His children. HE is breaking me of the pride and arrogance in my own life and for that I give Him all the praise. WE ARE ALL HIS!

Matthew 10:34-38 reads, "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me."

the Lord constantly reminds me through this verse that there will be times in this life that in order to follow Christ and His will you may walk seemingly alone. we all think we know this truth... we learned it in youth group right? but do we really analyze what this means in our lives. do we ever truly fathom what it would mean to give up everything for HIM. even starting small,  for me, it means following HIM into the unknown, the uncomfortable, and the place where most of the people I love fear. do we ever truly realize what it means to never walk alone but to have Christ right beside us every single step of the way. we hear it, but do we believe it. do we truly believe that no place we go will ever be away from the Father.

I pray that every single day the Lord breaks my heart for what breaks His. I pray that for all of us, that we are never afraid to trust the unknown to an ALL-KNOWING God.  The Lord states that whoever does not take up their cross and follow him is NOT worthy of him. I pray that my desire in life is to always please the Father first and spread the incredible mercy, grace and love He has shown me to those who are so desperately in need. 

my prayer tonight is that we never settle for being comfortable or stagnant. i pray that as children of the most High King we trust in the Father and we GO. i pray that the cry of each and every one of our hearts tonight is "HERE I AM, LORD SEND ME." send me to the broken, the lonely, the orphans, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the murderers, and the children- all of whom are children of the Lord and so faithfully loved by HIM. Father give us a love like YOURS and let us truly desire to "walk through the valley if you want us to"

In Him.